I told a joke about an engineer to a group that included Jerry, an engineer. He looked uncomfortable during its recitation. (It was about a faulty guillotine.) He forced a minor chuckle at the punchline. (“Wait. Wait. I see your problem.”) My guess is that Jerry had heard few, if any, jokes about engineers, and I could not imagine him telling one.

Few professions seem to spawn many jokes, and the practitioners of those fields may not like them. On the other hand, I have heard and enjoyed many jokes about lawyers and told a few myself. I don’t know what it says about the profession, but most attorneys I have known like a good lawyer joke. I have been in settings where lawyers try to top each other with the jokes. Some lawyers have published books with nothing but attorney jokes. So in honor of National Lawyer Humor Appreciation Day, I present but a few.

Some of the stories can be about lawyers themselves:

It was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. (Sometimes the joke substitutes “politician” for “lawyer.”)

The gate between heaven and hell broke. St. Peter stood at the gate and called out to the Devil. “Hey, Satan, it’s your turn to fix it this time.” “Sorry, sir,” came the reply. “My men are too busy to worry about a broken gate.” St. Peter, uncharacteristically, snapped, “I’ll have to sue you for breaking our agreement.” Satan retorted, “Yeah, and where will you get a lawyer?”

“It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course, you are an exceptionally good lawyer.” Jerome K. Jerome.

Witness: “Well, I think the defendant was . . .”

Prosecutor: “Just tell us what you know, not what you think.”

Witness: “Sorry, but not being a lawyer, I can’t talk without thinking.”

Some of the stories are about clients:

Jury foreman: “On the charge of first degree robbery, we find the defendant not guilty.” My client: “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

Old story. The new inmate is in his cell at night and hears “Forty-three” yelled out and then laughter from the other prisoners. Then “Twenty-two” is shouted and even more laughing. The newbie asks his cellmate what is going on. The long timer says that the jokes have been told so often that they have been given numbers. The new inmate trying to fit in shouts “Fourteen,” but no response other than silence. The new guy asks what is going on, and his cellmate responds, “Some people just can’t tell a joke.”

Several times in life the average person faces the difficult problem of trying to decide which will cost less; to tell the truth or hire a lawyer.

The philosopher said: “It is harder for a rich man to get into heaven. Or jail.”

Some are about law school and the profession:

“If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?” Calvin Trillin

Some quips are about the legal process:

“Juries scare me. I don’t want to put my faith in the hands of twelve people who weren’t even smart enough to get out of jury duty.” Monica Piper.

A potential juror asked the judge to excuse him. He said it was busy at work, and he should be there. “So,” the judge said, “you are one of those people who think that your office could not get along without you.” “No,” came the reply. “I know that they could get along without me, but I don’t want them to find out.” He was excused.

“May you have a lawsuit in which you know you are in the right.” Gypsy Curse.