The Snippets of Death

While I was having a heart event, I thought that I was being whisked down a long, dark tunnel. I could do nothing to prevent my movement. Finally, I saw a blue light at the end of the darkness. It started to pulse, and I felt myself being pulled even quicker through the tunnel towards the pulsation. But as I started to glide into that abyss, I heard a voice shout, “No!  No!  That’s New Jersey.” I returned to the living.

Ancient cultures always seemed to have many more memorials to death than to birth. Discuss.

“You can live through anything except death.” Svetlana Alexievich, Secondhand Time: The Last of the Soviets.

“The soul will fly home of its accord, but shipping a coffin is pretty expensive.” Svetlana Alexievich, Secondhand Time: The Last of the Soviets.

“An autopsy later revealed that she had died of plaid.” Ian Frazier, Cranial Fracking.

“To die for an idea is to place a pretty high price upon conjectures.” Anatole France, The Revolt of the Angels.

“The man who leaves money to charity in his will is only giving away what no longer belongs to him.” Voltaire.

“Make sure to send a lazy man for the Angel of Death.” Yiddish Proverb.

“All I desire for my own burial is not be buried alive.” Earl of Chesterfield.

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.” Steve Wright.

“How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?” Dennis Miller.

“My uncle Pat reads the paid obituaries in the paper every day. He can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.” Hal Roach.

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather . . . in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. Old joke.

“It’s a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But, hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!” Richard Jeni.

Hear about the Newfie who was killed while ice fishing? Got run over by the Zamboni!

“You can’t take it with you. You never see a U-Haul following a hearse.” Ellen Glasgow.

When Bob Hope was dying at the age of 100, his wife asked if he wanted to be buried or cremated. He thought for a while and said, “Surprise me.” (Thanks to SN.)

“If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.” Yiddish proverb.

I am not proud that in scanning the obituaries I feel some satisfaction when I find that a vegan has died of cancer.