Lose weight. (Oh, as if you haven’t made this self-indulgent, unlikely-to-be-fulfilled resolution in the past.)
Play better golf. (Oh, as if many of you haven’t made this self-indulgent, unlikely-to-be-fulfilled resolution in the past.)
Build a wider readership. (Got any ideas?)
Remember more of what I have read. (Got any ideas on how to do that?)
Pare down my possessions. (Then I can justify buying more stuff.)
Get better gas mileage. (Yes, self-indulgent, but good for the rest of you, too.)
Figure out what gun Jesus will carry if (when) He returns.
Not re-use dental floss too often.
Watch less football even if Aaron Rodgers is playing.
Hook up my backyard intensive burner that I bought to fry chicken. (But I first will have to get over my fear of it.)
Not complain about the slings and arrows of my age. (Fat chance.)
Look for conclusive documentation to establish that Mike Pence does not have joint American-Russian citizenship. (And assume that he does until those records are found.)
Be as nice as pie to the spouse every minute of the every day. (The spouse wrote that.)